Living alone... 4 years on

4 years ago, a new chapter in my life started in the craziest way: I graduated college and left the team, friends and job I'd known for the last 4 years, I got out of a long-term relationship, I started my first 'big girl' job, I traveled to Greece and back, I got shot at and then... I moved into my first place all on my own. 

Looking back now, I don't know how 22-year-old me got so lucky (and worked and prayed so hard) to be able to move into my own place, completely financially independent and so damn lost on what was next. It was like my old life literally imploded in front of me. I remember nights on the floor of my still-to-be-furnished living room, crying in the dim lighting and confused on my next move. But through it all, I still had the excitement, the knowing everything was exactly what it needed to be and I did this for myself, all on my own. And 4 years on, I can look back and believe in that now more than ever. 

It has never escaped me what a privilege and an honor it is to be able to have this experience and it's one that I cherish every single day. It has brought me things and grown me in so many ways I didn't even think would happen. And a lot of the time, these things seem so small- almost inconsequential- when we think about it but they aren't. 

I've always told myself that my 20s were just going to be for me and that translated into having my own place. I'm the first woman in the familial generations around me that has been able to do this and that means so much. 

But besides that,  I've spent so many nights learning, growing, getting myself out of survival mode that I know what true peace and calm looks and feels like now (and that's justified by everyone who comes into my home and tells me they automatically feel "so calm in here"). I've learned how I like to furnish my home, that I don't have to clean and cook on the same schedule my parents did my whole life, the kinds of food I like (and how to make much of it from scratch), watching movies and playing songs on repeat (sometimes I'll like a movie so much I'll restart it right after it's done!) or knowing that I absolutely need to have fresh flowers in my home at all times. And for the rare nights that I felt more alone than I wanted, I was able to call my girls, have them come over or go on a nighttime walk + date with myself. 

If I could say what living alone has really taught me so far, it's: "I've learned to trust in myself". And whether that was a bug in my house (very rare because I don't play those games) or a less than ideal problem late at night or not knowing what to do with myself in the silence sometimes, I've always figured it out and always will. 

When I said earlier that I cherish this every single day, I mean it literally. When I wake up to the sun shining and hitting all of my furniture or when it's holiday season and I have my candles lit and blanket on the couch or everything in between, I am so grateful. I know one day I will be in a new place with my future husband and children, probably surrounded by a lot of fun chaos and remembering the chapter in my 20s when I was able to find myself in the quiet sanctuary of my making... and for that, I am so grateful.